Friday Favorites: Five Senses Edition!

FAVORITE SIGHT: LOOKET THESE GREMLINS IN THE WAGON OF MY YOOOUTH

     This cracks me up, not least because of how it compares to this picture of me and Amanda when we were wee tykes. 

     Right? The mischievous goblin-face, it's apparently a family trait. 

FAVORITE SOUND: THE BOB'S BURGERS INTRO SONG

     Yep, that's a thing that's happening now. I remember when this show first aired I thought the ads for it looked incredibly stupid. But people kept telling me I would like it, so I did and here we are. I relate strongly to Louise, the somewhat psychotic youngest child, because of course I do. So yeah, it's kind of a cheat to slip in a favorite tv show under the heading of "sound," but I do walk around humming the theme song a lot, so it sort of counts. Just roll with it man, be cool for once!

FAVORITE SMELL: MIIIGHT HAVE TO BUY THIS PERFUME SOME DAY

     This was just one of the little stink-good pamphlets that falls out of every magazine on Earth, but for some reason I decided to smell it instead of chucking it immediately as per usual, and I'm really glad I did. It smells like a fancy grown-up lady with her shit together walking through a park in fall. Or something. I dunno, it's kind of cozy but also sweet? I just like it a lot. I'm thinking of getting the little rollerball size of it to wear in the cooler months.

FAVORITE FEEL: THE DRESS SO NICE I BOUGHT IT TWICE

     I liked this dress from Kohl's so much I bought it in black and white. Part of the reason for that is it's surprisingly soft and floaty. The other part is that it was on clearance for like NINE DOLLARS. That's ridiculous. I couldn't afford NOT to buy it in two colors. White for when I want to look like I'm going to a very casual hippie wedding, black for when I want to look like a sassy cool witch who's a big deal on Tumblr. 

FAVORITE TASTE: TRY NOT TO BE TOO SHOCKED BUT IMMA CHEAT AGAIN HERE AND PICK AN APP AS A TASTE

     Hear me out though. My favorite taste-related app is the Chipotle mobile ordering app. I downloaded it when it first became available for Android an absolute age ago, and it was so horrible and unusable that I ended up deleting it and just waiting in line for my burrito bowl like all the other plebes. But on a lark the other day I re-downloaded it and THANK GOD it is so much better now. It's much more streamlined and intuitive, so it's really easy to put in everyone's order, name them so you can save them for later, pay online, and just bust up in there half an hour later and skip the line to pick up your food like you're Oprah. Or Oprah's assistant, let's be honest. 

Friday Favorites: Seemingly Uncorrelated Edition!

FAVORITE WEARABLE THING: FOXY JIMJAMS!

     I realized recently that I had a real problem because I have very few summertime pajamas. I have several cute sets for cold weather, but no shorts, really. I used to be able to just sleep in my underwear when it was really hot, but in college I lived in an apartment where the fire alarm was going off in the middle of the night all the freaking time because I guess people are too dumb to open a window before they smoke their pot (and it was always the potheads). So it got to a point where my subconscious just would not let me relax enough to go to sleep unless I was wearing something I could vacate the building in without fear of shame or ridicule. This has been Fun Facts About Jacki's Neuroses, thanks for tuning in. So anyway, the point is I needed some summer jimjams. These super soft shorts were part of a set at Walmart (it has a tank top with it, but that's in the laundry because I am a monster and I can't own a shirt for more than three hours without getting something on it), and they are my new favey faves. 

FAVORITE WATCHABLE THING: DOCUMENTARIIIEEEES!

     I was going through a patch for a few days where I was just itchin' to watch some good educational programming, so I burned through much of my Netflix queue of documentaries. I wasn't super thrilled with some of them (DEAR GOD DO NOT EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THE IMPERIALIST ASSHAT HOST OF THE ONE ABOUT CANNIBALISM), and in the end I came back to one of my all-time favorites: Life After People. This is gonna sound super dark, but I've always found that series to be kind of...soothing? I dunno, it's nice in a way to think that if humankind disappeared everything could feasibly just go back to normal and plants would grow over the highways and elephants would run around all "wassup bro I'm an elephant, Imma take a bath in this former water treatment plant and be delightful." But even if you're not a sad gothic panda like me who finds a post-human-extinction world to be a nice bedtime story, it's really interesting. I've already learned about invasive plant species, methods of fighting architectural failure in earthquake-prone zones, and how the Queen's corgis would do if left to their own devices (they'd be fine, don't worry). 

FAVORITE THING TO SMEAR ON MY FACE: DUOCHROME, TWO TIMES THE...CHROMES!

     This is an eyeshadow color that was in my Coastal Scents 252 color palette, called Dark Goldenrod. One day a few weeks ago I was just kind of picking colors randomly and swatching them on my hand when I found this one and realized IT IS AMAZING. It looks kind of humdrum at first glance, but it's so pretty and interesting on. It's a duochrome color (even though it's not described as such on the website? But it is, trust me) that looks like a warm bronzey color on my lids when my eyes are open, but catches the light and flashes peridot green when I turn my head or blink. I ordered the full-size so I can have a nice reliable quantity of it, and ordered the same color for my mom, because she liked it so much she had to have it too. As far as quality goes, it's pretty impressive, especially considering it was only about four bucks. It goes on best with fingers or a flat brush; if you use a fluffy brush with this you will get pretty multi-colored fallout all over your face. But that's really the only downside. The biggest upside of course being that you get to look all shimmery and weird like a dragon.

Friday Favorites: Viking Edition!

FAVORITE SHOW: VIKINGS

Plot summary, basically. 

     I started watching this History Channel show around Monday, I guess, and I'm really into it. It's about...you guessed it, vikings! The main guy kind of looks like Brad Pitt, if that's your thing, and his wife is a total badass, if that is your thing (badass female characters is so totally my thing. You ax that sumbitch in the head Legertha, you git im). It's also inspiring me do a lot of weird braid things in my hair, but that's kind of the norm for me anyway, so I guess it's a win-win. If you like Game of Thrones, you'll like this show. Like, I'm not gonna say it's exactly like it, I'll just say that I've been watching this show at night and waking up with the Game of Thrones theme song in my head. Draw your own conclusions. 

FAVORITE MATERIAL POSSESSION: THIS...THING?

     I'm not sure what to call this now that I've thought about it, because I know the trend is referred to as a kimono, but it's really not. A kimono is an actual super-detailed amazing specific cultural garment, so I feel weird using the term to refer to this that and the other. It's more of a...sheer...layering...thing...robe...sleeved shawl? I don't know. The point is I got it at Target a while back and now that the weather has become tolerable I've been wearing this thing non-stop. You wouldn't think it would be a basic, but in my weirdo wannabe Stevie Nicks wardrobe it acts like one. I really like it because since we're just emerging from winter I'm feeling a little...doughy, shall we say, and I'm not too keen to bust out my upper arms just yet, so this provides a little security blanket of sorts. 

FAVORITE PICTURES ON MY PHONE: OH MY GOD LOOK AT THESE FACES

     I actually have a ton of really cute flattering pictures of the twins when they're smiling and being photogenic, but my favorites are always the outtakes. 

     Hope you all enjoy your weekend! I'll be doing something silly that you'll be getting to laugh at me for on Monday. 

Friday Favorites: TV Binge Edition!

     I guess I kind of gave away the nature of one of this week's favorites right in the title, but so it goes. Let's do this! I present to you this week's favorites. 

SHOW I'VE BEEN WATCHING OBSESSIVELY

     I started watching Elementary this week because Jen has told me several times over several months that I'd really like it. I knew she was probably right, given that I'll watch any show that's a variation on a Sherlock Holmes theme (except the Mentalist, because the lead in that looks too much like Gilderoy Lockhart and for that reason alone I simply can't deal), and that if she likes it I probably will too because we're basically the same Lego minifig, just wearing two different snap-on hairs. But I have to be in a certain mood to start a new show, so it took me a long time to get around to it. Part of that is it has to be when I know I have a few days free, because I cannot be trusted to start a new show without binge-watching every season in a span of days. I can't help it; I do the same thing with books. Put it off for months and months, then read an entire trilogy in a few days. Anyway, I'm enjoying that this version of the Sherlock theme is less depressing than the BBC version (which I do love, but come on, my heart still hurts), and that Watson isn't such a sad-sack (again, I love Watson. I do. But it's nice to have a version where Watson isn't quite as much of a tragic puppy). 

FOOD I SUDDENLY REMEMBERED IS REALLY FREAKING DELICIOUS

     Lindt white chocolate truffles (I'll pause here while you imagine the sound of a choir of angels parting the clouds on a dreary day, because I don't know how to spell that sound. I picked up a bag of these the other day because I just thought "Oh, haven't had one of these in a while!" and OH MY GOD IT ISN'T EVEN FAIR HOW GOOD THESE ARE. Granted I'm biased, because white chocolate has always been my favorite chocolate (yes, I know technically it's not even real chocolate. Whatever, don't tell me who to be). But what I really want is the one this guy is whipping up with a maniacal look on his face on the back of the package. You know, the one the size of my FIST?

IMPROMPTU ROOM SWITCH-UP THAT I THOUGHT I'D HATE BUT DIDN'T

      Yeah, so... I have a glowing headboard now. See, the other day I was sitting around, being Pinterest in human form, and decided I wanted to incorporate the whole "white string lights behind a sheer fabric" thing that I see everywhere online, lookin' all pretty and junk. I grabbed some lights from the attic and my summertime sheer curtains, then set about holding them up and laying them out in different configurations waiting for inspiration to strike. It occurred to me that a sheer, lit-up headboard could be kind of cool. So I strung the lights on, then started having doubts. It was looking a little...dorm-room-esque? But once I threw the curtain on there and turned on the lights, I decided I actually really like it. It gives a nice ambient glow that's enough to, say, plug in my phone or see the buttons on the tv remote by, but it's not quite so bright as to prevent me from getting sleepy, like a reading lamp can be. Obviously I unplug it before I go to sleep at night, because it is too bright to sleep in, but it's nice for that wind-down time before I'm ready to get serious about sleeping. The lights are the LED kind that are designed to stay cool so you don't burn your house down with a Christmas tree, so I'm not worried about any fire hazardry there. As for that curtain, it's literally just tossed on there right now, so if I decide to keep this set-up I'll figure out some way to make it look more polished. Right now though, it's just a fun little change. I may keep it, I may not, but I'm enjoying it right now. 

Pre-Shark Week Weekend Highlights

     On this, the first full day of shark week (one of my favorite weeks of the year), let's just have a chill chat about the weekend. Here's the top 3 highlights of my weekend. 

1. I made this beautiful pizza. I rolled out and pre-baked the crust in the oven to give it some structure, then loaded up the toppings and handed it off to be grilled on the Big Green Egg. It got a little too dark on the bottom, but still. Look at this beauty. What a mess of delicious ingredients.

2. I sat glued to the tv whilst waiting to learn who the 12th Doctor of Doctor Who would be. I just typed and then deleted a whole paragraph of my thoughts on the pick, because I realized the last thing the internet needs is another nerd raving about Doctor Who.

3. I got a shark week themed manicure, courtesy of Amanda. I seriously love shark week. Sharks are my spirit animal, for I too like to roam about, terrifying beach-goers (I'm wicked pale, man) and eating anything I come across. It's a good life.

Two Minute Madness!

     I thought of the idea for this post as I was staring at my tablet, thinking, "I'd like to draw something for the blog, I feel like I haven't done any fun little drawings in forever." I couldn't think of anything in particular to draw though, and I didn't want to end up spending hours and hours perfecting a paneled comic into the wee hours of the morn (which ALWAYS ends up happening. It's the one random corner of life in which I am a perfectionist). So here's the basic idea of how to play this little game of mine:

1. Think of a category.

2. Draw three things in that category, BUT....

3. Spend NO MORE than two minutes on each drawing. 


    It ended up being pretty fun! This time the category I came up with was "good advice." 

 

                                                                                                                                                         

                                                                                                                                                           

Favorite Things Friday!

     My favorite things this week were all superficial items, and I don't feel bad about it one bit. I know people say that money can't buy happiness, but I think those people are just spending their money wrong. I bought a few things this week that just made me feel better about life. Lemme show you: 

Look, I even laid it all out on a pretty backdrop for you! Blogger of the year, right here.

Let's go clockwise from the top right, because it feels like the right thing to do. 

     First I picked up this pretty gold headband. I was already in the market for a headband that's nicer than the grimy stretchy one I wear while I wash my face, and this one caught my eye because it felt very Game of Thrones to me somehow. Sidenote: I'm sort of obsessed with Game of Thrones. This week's episode was so amazing that I watched a lot of it with my "excited for vengeance" look on, which words can't even describe. It's something like this: 

     I think I'm going to download the books to my tablet so I can stay awake for a week straight reading them all enjoy them at a leisurely and totally sane pace. Hey, I guess not all of my happy things are material goods this week! I threw a bonus tv show in there! Woo, culture!

     The next happy-making thing I got is that bright, bright, BRIGHT pink cardigan underneath the headband. I just couldn't resist it's delightful neon charms. It's also a bit looser than a normal fitted sweater, so it's super comfy, and it's very lightweight, which means I can wear it into spring and summer (in the arctic-blast air conditioning in stores and restaurants, dontcha know). Plus it was on sale for more than half off its original price, which makes my cheap heart flutter. 

     Next up is a pair of reflective blue-green sunglasses from Target. I like to get a new pair of cheap sunglasses at the start of each summer. It gets me excited for the warmth and sunshine. I like these reflective ones because it means I can stare at people without them knowing (just kidding. No wait, I'm totally not. People-watching is the absolute best). 

     This next one's a big deal. Like a caps-lock worthy BIG DEAL. I got shorts! That's a milestone for me because I really, really hate shorts. I like the idea of them, but I have a really hard time finding a pair that looks good/makes me feel cute. But I can't just go all through summer wearing jeans; it would get rather toasty after a while. So the other day when I was in a good mood and my self-esteem levels were nice and high, I set out on a mission to find shorts. It was still a bit tough though. My mom and sister had to convince me to buy these. But now that I have them home and can try them on in my own closet under normal lighting conditions and with a mirror I trust, I like them a lot more. I firmly believe fitting room mirrors are portals to a poorly lit alternate dimension in which everyone looks as bad as they possibly could. It's a rough dimension to live in, but maybe they have like, world peace there or something to make up for it. Or maybe they look in the mirror and see THIS dimension's version of themselves/us and think "Hot damn, not half bad!" That just got really confusing really fast, so let's just move on. 

     Then we have my new brush, which I realize is probably incredibly dull for most people, but hear me out. It's called "the Wet Brush" (creative name, I know), and is specifically designed for brushing your hair when it's wet (whaaaat, you never would have guessed!). The reason this is so exciting is twofold: first because I have a stupid amount of really tangly hair that I can only brush when it's wet because you can't brush curly hair, and this makes it a bajillion times easier to keep passing birds from eyeing my hair and thinking "I could raise a few kids there." And second because I tried SO DAMN HARD to find this stinkin' brush online, and lots of places have it, but with shipping costs that outweigh the cost of the brush itself. I finally found it in a Sally's and happily snatched it up. 

     Movin' on, I then got a shiny, sparkly, confetti confection of a shirt that also manages to feel like I'm walking around in my (very fancy) jim-jams. Double win! As you can see, those stars manage to be surprisingly sparkly for a screen-print. They catch the light as well as sequins, but without the itchy scrape-y feeling sequins bring with them. This was the last one in the store, and it's an extra large, but that worked out surprisingly well because it's really loose and flowy and so, so comfortable. A+, shirt, you done good!

     Next up is another somewhat Big Deal item: a swimsuit! I know almost everyone hates shopping for swimsuits, but I got this one on the same day as the shorts, so it wasn't actually that bad by comparison. I'm a total weirdo, in a lot of ways we don't need to talk about right now, but specifically in that I find bathing suit shopping way easier than shorts shopping. You'd think the more potential for exposed jiggle, the more potential for plummeting self-esteem, but not for me. That's not to say throwing on a bikini is always a delight, it's just that I think shorts were designed by a malevolent deity specifically to bring hardship, misery, and woe to my days. Anyway, this swimsuit caught my attention because the super retro style reminds me of the one-piece number that old-school Barbie used to rock, which I have always loved. And it's got all of my favorite things: black and white, bows, polka dots, and ruffles! The only way it could have been more "me" is if it came with a free teacup pig that could oink my name. 

     And last but not least, my new phone case. My old one (the one that looked like the TARDIS) somehow got a chip cracked out of it and left a sharp edge that caught on everything. After looking at cases for hours and hours, I finally decided to just go with something cute and simple. Purple bunny ears! I don't know why, but it just called to me. It said to me "You need me in your life!" and my phone said "Yeah, I'm a phone, why WOULDN'T I have bunny ears? It makes perfect sense!" and I said "If inanimate objects are starting to talk to me I should probably stop staring at the computer screen for a little while because my brain must be frying," so I went ahead and ordered it and walked away. 

     PHEW. Who would have thought I had over 1000 words to say about a bunch of clothes and bits and bobs? Wait, that's not even a rhetorical question, the answer is "anyone who knows anything about me." 

So You Wanna Not Get Eaten: a Time-Traveler's Field Guide to Prehistoric Animals

    (Based entirely on what I learned watching the BBC series "Walking with Beasts," which is both entertaining and informative, but also wildly disturbing.)

     I suppose if you were planning to go time traveling to, say, the early Eocene for some stupid reason (seriously, of all the times you could go to, you choose the Golden Age of Birds? Whatever), you could just take a textbook or something, but this guide will be more useful. A textbook might be able to help you identify the big doofy looking thing that's eating your intestines, if that's what you really wanted to use your dying moments on. But this guide will tell you ahead of time, "Hey, stay away from the big doofy looking thing, it's a real jerk," which is infinitely preferable. 

Ambulocetus

     The bastard child of a crocodile, a whale, and an otter that manages to disappoint and embarrass all three of its theoretical parents. Almost scary, but it's like it spread itself too thin trying to be the best of both worlds (land and sea) and ended up a giant toothy turd. 

 

     Recommended course of action: They don't have ears, so they hear on land by putting their jaw to the ground and sensing vibrations, and in the water they ambush like a crocodile while critters are drinking at ye olde rivers edge. Basically don't trip over it or go stomping around the riverbeds to get a refreshment (I feel like I shouldn't even have to tell you this, but if you find yourself 50 million years in the past, don't drink the water.)

Basilosaurus

     Giant, bus-sized "killer whales," in the sense that they are whales and they kill things (not so much in a "looks-like-Shamu" sense). Eats SHARKS for breakfast, a habit so badass it makes Chuck Norris a little uneasy. 

     Recommended course of action: Get a bigger boat.

Entelodon

     If you've ever played Borderlands: basically these are Skags. They're vicious and ugly and they'll kill you for funzies. If you haven't played Borderlands: these are Pumbaa from the Lion King, hardened by a life of substance abuse and violence, endlessly seeking vengeance 25 years after a gang of corrupt cops unjustly gunned Timon down and went unpunished. Also the vicious, ugly, kill you for funzies part is still true. 

     Recommended course of action: Kill it with fire or learn to enjoy the sensation of flesh being torn from your body.

Gastornis

     Stupid looking as all hell. Big and mean but not scary until it's running right at you with bloodlust in its cold black eyes, like an emu on angel dust. 

     Recommended course of action: Despite looking like a Thanksgiving turkey wearing a novelty Jersey Shore wig, these things are basically what happens when birds go mad with power and they will definitely eat you. Do not engage. Climb a tree and hide, since these losers can't fly. Probably don't make fun of their hairdo. 

Indricotheriinae

     Twelve tons of mostly harmless herbivore. Primarily interested in eating plants and just casually being the biggest mammal ever to walk on land like it ain't no thing.

      
     Recommended course of action: Try not to become the "Ew, I stepped in something wet" moment in this thing's day. If the opportunity to ride on its back crops up, I'm not saying you should do it, I'm just saying you definitely want your Facebook photo to be of you riding the largest land mammal of all time. 
 

Leptictidium

     Small and super cute, won't eat you unless you politely offer. A little creepy if observed too closely, since after a while its cute little nose wiggle starts to seem obscene.

 

     Recommended course of action: Observe happily with joy in your heart. Try and cop a snuggle if you aren't too freaked out by the rat tail. Do not get overly attached, as the law of prehistoric creatures dictates that anything cute must be eaten. 

 Moeritherium

     Kind of an elephant/hippo situation, but lacking the appeal and charm of either of those things. Herbivorous, but probably not going to let you rub its belly either. 

  

     Recommended course of action: Keep your disgust to yourself as you observe from a discreet distance. It's not polite to stare. 

 

Propalaeotherium 

     Very early and delightfully tiny horse. Likes to roam around the forest eating fermented grapes and getting adorably shnackered.

 

     Recommended course of action: Take his keys away and call him a cab. 

 

     

Quick Fixes: Remote Wrangler

     I'm one of those weirdos who has to have the tv on before I can settle down for the night. I know all the studies say tv before bed will ruin your sleep, but I never slept in the first place, so there's not really any harm to be done there. But while I'm willing to flout the advice of modern science and burn out my eyeballs staring at a screen in a dark room, I hate having to keep the remotes in my bed overnight. Partly because I don't want to roll over onto a remote, pressing a button that switches the channel to one of those weird upper channels that plays questionable pseudo-religious stuff all night and accidentally get subliminally messaged into a cult. And partly just because rolling over onto a remote isn't super comfortable. 

     So I whipped up a little...eh, thing. To keep my remotes close enough to grab when I need them, but out of my sleepy space. A nice little caddy-majig to hang on my headboard!

     I pulled some fabric out of my collection of leftovers (a long rectangular piece leftover from my desk makeover and a small piece of navy polka dot fabric leftover from a dress I made a while ago) and got started.

     Figured out the right size, then rounded the corners (special thanks to Bath and Body Works for their useful candle lids) and added some fusible fabric stabilizer to the base and pocket pieces. 

     Then sewed the pocket on with a small pleat on each half to give the pocket a little more room...

     Added some piping for flair...

     Finally, the long rectangular base piece got folded wrong sides together and with a quick stitch around the outside (except for a small space left for turning), a flipsy maneuver to get it right side out, and a few stitches to close the gap, it was lookin' goooooood! After much debate about whether it should be secured with stick on velcro, sew-on velcro, snaps, or some other method....safety pins won out. Yup, good ol' safety pins. 

 

     Ta-daaaa! Cute, functional, polka dotted. Everything I care about. 

 

How to Make Your Brain All Muscular and Sexy

     I've been watching a lot of educational television lately. This is partly because now that I'm not in college anymore, sometimes I panic and go "Oh shit! What if I'm getting stupid again!" and feel like I need to learn stuff and exercise my brain muscle so it doesn't get flabby and have to buy new jeans. (Wait what?) But it's mostly because I've been having a really hard time sleeping, and late at night when other channels are playing paid programming or some creepy looking guy who smiles with his teeth the whole time he talks about Jesus, the National Geographic channel is usually playing something that sounds amazing. I think two in the morning is their primetime. But it kind of sucks because I watch these shows by myself in the middle of the night and then the next day I want to tell everyone what I learned, and for some reason people don't seem to want to listen to me describe an educational program to them in excruciating detail. What's that about? So instead (who am I kidding, I've already talked about these to everyone who'll listen, so that should really say "additionally") I've got it down to the....

 Top Three Educational but also Strangely Entertaining Shows I've Watched Recently! 

(By virtue of the fact that, as I said, Nat Geo is the only channel that plays anything worth watching at odd hours of the night, I think they're all Nat Geo shows. So yeah, it's a little biased. Somebody send this to them and ask if they'd like me to be a paid endorser.)

1. Animal Superpowers: Extreme Survivors
   
        What I learned from this show is that I will watch literally anything if it's narrated by Sir Patrick Stewart. Seriously, I don't remember a single fact from this show (which, to be honest, I only caught the last fifteen minutes of, but it made an impression). I know there's part where a guy pinches off a salamander's tail and films the tail flipping around and wiggling on a super high speed camera for what feels like forever. It's at least long enough for you to devolve from passive interest to intense introspective questioning, e.g, “Why is this still happening? Why am I still watching? What is my life about?”
   
        Here's a link to the preview for the show, in case you're into writhing-salamander-tail induced existential crises. Whatever makes your skirt fly up, I guess. Also, full disclosure: I only went looking for video so that you could hear Patrick Stewart say “salamander,” which is definitely the high point of this show. I'm not even kidding. You need to hear Patrick Stewart say “sah-la-MAN-der” in an earnest, weirdly reverent way. I want to make Patrick Stewart saying “salamander” my ringtone. Patrick Stewart saying “salamander” is the meaning of life. But to get to my point: Patrick Stewart does not say “salamander” in this preview. Here it is anyway.
   
   
   
   
   
   
2.  How Big Can it Get?
   
        This is a series that looks into different kinds of animals that can get freakishly huge. That's it, that's all it is. This is, in my own humble opinion, the perfect show. It's the pinnacle of tv; everything from here on out will be downhill. 
   
   
   (They were playing it in a marathon that also included Hogzilla, which, if you haven't seen it, you need to. I am weirdly obsessed with Hogzilla. I can't explain why, but in dark times, it makes me feel better to remember I live on the same planet as Hogzilla. Spellcheck is refusing to recognize “Hogzilla” as a word, which I find insulting. LEARN TO RECOGNIZE GREATNESS, SPELLCHECK).
   
   
        The episode I saw recently was about crocodiles (and thus was called, obviously, Croczilla), and it was fabulously entertaining. I learned that at one point, (like, 100 million years ago, so don't feel bad if you don't remember it), crocodiles were giant freaking monsters with six-foot-long skulls. For reference, the largest crocodiles we have today have skulls around two feet long. And there's kind of nothing stopping them from getting that huge again. They just grow indefinitely until they die. So, theoretically, if you had a crocodile that had nice conditions (as in, nothing to eat it before it grows up) and warm weather, it could end up being the next Supercroc, and you would definitely get your own reality show about all the wacky adventures you and Supercroc have. You and Supercroc sharing a bunk bed, you and Supercroc buying funny hats, you getting mad at Supercroc for using up all the milk before you had your cereal, you going missing for several days until they find you inside Supercroc's gargantuan belly.
        
        You can watch Croczilla in its entirety on youtube. I don't want to tell you what to do with your life, but I do sort of feel like not watching this is a colossal mistake and I don't understand your choices.
   
   

   
   
   
   
   
3. Unlikely Animal Friends
        I saw two episodes of this, because I make good use of my time. And both episodes were surprisingly hard-hitting in terms of the frivolous-sounding-show-title to sucker-punch-emotional-blow ratios. The first one told the tale of this orangutan, Tonda, that was depressed and lonely after her mate died. She didn't want to paint anymore and she wasn't eating much and she wasn't interested in any of her toys. (How sad are you right now? I need to know I'm not the only one who thinks a lonely orangutan is unbearably sad.) 
   
        But then this tabby cat named T.K. makes friends with Tonda and softens her grumpy old heart and she's happy again and they show video of them playing and the cat weaving in and out of the orangutan's legs and it's so cute you feel your heart growing three sizes like the Grinch BUT THEN. BUT THEN. 
   
        Then the narrator goes “Yes, Tonda and T.K. the cat's friendship was truly remarkable.” And your squishy enlarged heart turns to cold hard stone and crumbles into ash because WAS? And that's how they break the news to you that Tonda died. I'm not going to lie to you, I cried the ugliest cry. And I watched this at like three in the morning, so I had to do a quiet ugly cry, because how awkward would it be to wake everyone up with my sobbing and then have to explain that I was just gutted by the loss of a grouchy orangutan I'd never met? Yeah, super awkward.
   
   
   

   

   Photo credit: National Geographic. LOOK AT THIS CUTENESS.

       
        So after that experience I'm not even sure why I watched a second episode, but here we are. The second episode was about unlikely human-animal friendships, and the first story was about how this Canadian couple found a weak fawn on their doorstep. It imprinted on them, so they raised it like a pet, and it made me want a pet deer so badly that I actually started to get angry about it. I thought about all the time humanity could have been spending domesticating deer over the generations and suddenly it felt like we, as a species, have made some pretty damn big missteps if we don't even have pet deer. I just kind of sat there in a quiet rage, like "HULK WANT BABY DEER AS PET."  It was a weird moment.
   
        I won't even tell you about Hopalong and Skipalong, the two buffalo that this (Australian?) boy made friends with, because SPOILER ALERT: the boy has to move away from them and then one of the buffalo dies and it. is. horrible.
   
       The show was only redeemed by including footage of a grizzly bear celebrating his birthday, eating carrot cake and pawing at a pinata shaped like a salmon. It was as cute as you're imagining, plus a thousand million times cuter. 
   
        So there you have it, three new shows that you can set to record on your dvr, then either watch for your own genuine enjoyment or watch just to see what I'm talking about so that you can then more effectively make fun of my viewing choices. Or just not watch, I don't run your life.