4 Things I can tell you about the Sims 4.

1. The first thing I did was make a Sim version of myself, because I am either a narcissist or extremely uncreative when asked to play God, and I'm very pleased that there are finally some options for long hair that don't appear to have been sponsored by Super Glue. You know what I mean, the kind where your Sim looks down and their hair pops up at a 90 degree angle away from their neck behind them? I ain't about that life. I am satisfied with this hair. 

Pale, big hair, vaguely terrified expression, thinking about food? Yep, that's me. 

  2. The click and drag customization makes things a lot easier. I can finally give my Sim thunder thighs like mine. I know that sounds like I'm being self-deprecating but I'm not, "thunder thighs" sounds awesome to me. I took that term and ran with it; named mine Thor and Odin. They dole out punishment to foolish mortals through swift thundering kicks. 

3. The money cheats still work. I'm trying not to cheat though (you'll notice Sim-me up there has just over 4,000 simoleans to her name), so Sim Jacki is dirt poor, just like real Jacki. Yaaay realism?

4. It's also still really easy to set your  house on fire. I know because I did it twice in the first ten minutes I had the game. How did I do it twice, you may ask? Well, good friend, that would be because I did it once, then my game crashed and when I re-did everything I did it again. #skillz. 

     That's my only problem with the game so far, actually: it crashes. A lot. I don't know if it's something that needs to be patched on their end or if my computer is just not having it, but it's really annoying. I mean, I've gotten into the habit of saving my games with neurotic frequency over the years, so I don't ever lose that much progress, but I can only restart the game so many times before I have to walk away making weird angry sounds and doing arm flails to burn off the frustration. 

Friday Favorites: I stink so goooood Edition!

FAVORITE VIDEOGAME: LEGO THE HOBBIT!

     First, a confession: I haven't seen either of the Hobbit movies, and I never finished reading the book. I got about halfway through it and then lost interest because the writing style was...somehow not as magical and descriptive as I had expected it to be? I dunno. Also there's no girl characters, and I ain't about that life. But I do plan to see the movies someday, in the same way that I plan to have a cool little cottage in the woods where I can grow flowers and cooking herbs and let the local children think I'm a witch, by which I mean I have taken no action to make this plan a reality beyond thinking "yeah, someday." But whatever. You know I love me some Lego games. They're super therapeutic because they're not particularly challenging and you get to run around smashing stuff all willy-nilly and collecting shiny things, which is basically all I ask for in a pastime. 

FAVORITE CONSUMABLE: DISCOUNT EASTER CANDY!

     Having bulk quantities of candy around the house after any holiday whose traditions dictate the exchange of sweets is one of those little things that make me proud to be an American. Oh, what's that other countries, you think we're fat and stupid? Well this stupid fatty just got like ten pounds of Cadbury mini-eggs for a nickel, who's stupid now? 

FAVORITE ONLINE PURCHASE: I'M A SEA GODDESS, IT SAYS SO RIGHT HERE

     I ordered a set of five choose-your-own perfume samples from this Etsy shop called Alkemia last week. Most of them were a bit of a let-down for me, and I'm not sure if it's because I just have crap taste and picked samples of things that I don't actually like, or maybe I was smelling the carrier oils in the samples or WHAT, but 3 out of 5 of them had a note of...bathroominess? To them? I'm doing that upward inflection because I have zero confidence in my abilities to describe scents. I've gotten many a strange look when trying to explain to someone that I don't like a particular popular perfume because it smells "newsprint-y" to me, in a way that reminds me of my dad fanning me with a newspaper while I had a bloody nose in the lobby of the church we went to when I was a kid, and I'm allergic to newsprint, so the paper made me sneeze and it was a mess. So...bad vibes, is what I'm saying, I guess. What?

      Anyway, back to the good perfume. The one I did really like was called Sea Goddess. The website says it has a bunch of fancy things like "saline aquatics" and junk in it, but to me it just smells like a beachy floral, but not old-lady floral at all (not that that's bad, I have a hand lotion that smells like Social Security in a bottle and I don't even care, I put it on every night). It's not going to be my forever-and-ever signature scent or anything, but it was only twelve dollars and it's definitely going to be my "this summer" signature scent, so that's an accomplishment. And they sent two new samples with my order, one of which still had the icky smell I don't like, but the other was really interesting. It's called "Mist Becoming Rain," I believe, and I immediately gave it to my mom because it smells like her interests: fresh and outdoorsy, kind of like you just watered the garden where you grow your arugula (it has kind of a peppery smell, I didn't just pick arugula out of thin air).

SURPRISE FAVORITE: I WENT INTO A TRADER JOE'S AND DIDN'T RAGE-TWITCH AN EYEBALL OUT!

     It's not that I have anything against Trader Joe's as a corporation or anything, my prejudice is based entirely on the fact that their parking lot is like the nexus of all assholery. It is a spawn point of assholes. Every time you've ever been cut off in traffic or tailgated, it's someone on their way to or from a Trader Joe's. They are born in the Trader Joe's parking lot, they go out into the world to spread misery and strife, then they come back to Trader Joe's at the end of their long lives of hooliganery to die. This is known. The one near me is located in an itsy little shopping center next to Ulta, and every time I have ever had the misfortune of finding myself at Ulta on a weekend, the ENTIRE parking lot for the WHOLE shopping center is taken up by all of Trader Joe's rudest minions. I can tell that's where they're going because they'll take the front spot at Ulta, then get their reusable sustainably sourced shopping bags and their aluminum water bottles full of spring water charged with "healing positive ions" out of the trunks of their Prius's and start hiking across the lot. All this I could forgive. I understand sometimes a store ends up in a shopping center whose parking lot just can't keep up with demand. But they are the single rudest identifiable subset of drivers I have ever had the misfortune to observe. They steal spots from people, don't observe any sort of common courtesy at multi-way stops, don't yield to pedestrians, honk at me if I yield to a pedestrian in front of them because how DARE I put ten more seconds between them and artisan-shelled fair-trade pistachios! Basically they suck. 

     BUT. The other day I realized I was running out of jojoba oil, which I use as moisturizer because I have idiotically sensitive skin and if I put normal-person moisturizer on my face-suit I basically become Professor Quirrell, clutching at my burning face screaming "What is this magic?!?" I usually order it online but somehow I had approximately none left, and it takes a while to get here. So I googled, and Trader Joe's seemed to be the only place I could buy it that day. Thus I ventured in. 

     I did end up actually getting it, but the surprise favorites were the two other things I found once I had braved the dreaded parking lot (which is kind of a pun, because they did have a white guy with "dreads" working there). The coconut body butter I bought because it looked like it would smell delightful (I have great purchase-justifying skills), and because there was an old guy who picked up two tubs of it as I was perusing and I thought "hey, he doesn't look too dry and crackly, it must work!" (told you). Then I picked up the "espresso pillows" waiting in line, because the fact that they call them "espresso pillows" cracked me up with how high on the pretentious scale that hits. You couldn't just call them espresso bits, or pieces or something? There's not even anything particularly pillowy about them, they're crunchy for God's sake. I dunno man. It's a weird place. 

     POINT BEING (I'm so sorry I just wrote three paragraphs about Trader Joe's, I just have a lot of feelings. About everything, apparently), the espresso ~*~pillows~*~ are tasty and the body butter is straight-up delightful. That is all. 

BONUS FAVORITE: THIS PICTURE FROM MY PHONE WHICH SHALL SLAY THE MASSES WITH ITS ADORABLENESS

     I don't even have anything to say about this, I'll just leave it here without comment to counteract the Homeric Saga I wrote above. 

The real Farm Hero is the undercover FDA worker filming it all for an expose on the nightly news.

     So Jen got me hooked on this game called Farm Heroes Saga...you may recognize it as the thing that floods your Facebook feed around the time everybody has lunch breaks. She downloaded it on my tablet while she was here one day, then when it finished downloading (about a week later. Have I mentioned recently we have somewhat poor internet here?) I thought, "Well, let's see what all the fuss is about." Cut to me, three days later, mumbling to myself "I hate this damn raccoon, tryna steal all my crops." But the more I played it, the more questions I had. 

     So it's just your standard sort of "shit falls from the sky and you put it in pairings to move on and your funny little brain-parts go 'Wheee! Order! Rewards!' and you feel like you accomplished things" kind of game, but if you stop to think about it, everything about it is so freaking weird. 

     My biggest question is what kind of freaky-ass genetic modification are they doing to this produce to make it all not only sentient, but also squee-incitingly adorable? For one thing, there's no way in hell this stuff is FDA approved. For another, I'm concerned enough about the fact that they're planning to sell giggling apples and onions with the ability to cry to the public for consumption in the first place -- do we need to get some sort of fruit-and-vegetable rights activism going here? -- but that raises the even more disconcerting question of who, exactly, the market for this is. Am I to believe that in the same magical universe where carrots and strawberries smile at you, there is a population of people who say "I could go for an apple, but what I really want is one that will scream and plead for mercy as I bite into it." A population large enough for whatever farm I'm trying to "hero" to be like "Sure, that sounds like a profitable and in no way morally turbulent decision?" 

    Or am I trying to save the produce FROM the farm? Because I do wonder, if this place has the kind of funding and resources available to engineer anthropomorphized fruit, why do I do all the harvesting with a dog pushing a wheelbarrow? Surely we could afford a tractor or something. Am I some sort of rogue super-heroine, saving the fruit and vegetables (and chickens --GOD DON'T GET ME STARTED ON THE CHICKENS -- they're always frozen, which I guess is probably an experiment in cryogenics so all the freaky fruit can live forever? Or maybe they're frozen in order to extract DNA to mix with fruits, thus begetting their cuteness and self-awareness? If so, GEEZ, evil genius hiding behind the front that is this sham of a farm, you're supposed to use the embryos for that, stop freezing already-hatched chickens, that's stupid and mean) from the clutches of some power-hungry mad scientist? Is that why the dog that pushes the wheelbarrow is wearing boots, and the pig is wearing a scarf and aviation goggles (getaway plane driver, I guess)? Because in this alternate universe all living things have gained human-like cognitive skills, and the animals and a select league of humans have banded together to defend the subjugated consumable class? 

WHAT IS THIS GAME EVEN ABOUT. 

Game Day, Roasted Marshmallows, and Runny-Jumpy

     Those are the high points of my weekend, in case you couldn't guess (it's ok, I didn't really expect you to guess. I expected you to go "Whaaa?" and continue reading to figure out what on Earth I'm rambling about. That, dear friends, is called a hook. Thanks for playing). 

GAME DAY!

     As you may well know, I come from a Green Bay Packers family (well, not my mom, but we just hide her in the Shame Corner whenever she wears a Redskins t-shirt. Just kidding, Mom!). And now that football is back we've been getting the family together every weekend to cheer on the Pack. It's been fun, but the best part this weekend was this: 

Mmmm, rivalry.

     This is a collaborative cookie cake: it was Amanda's idea, my mom baked the cookie, and I slapped some frosting on it. And then we all came together as a team to eat it.

     To be fair, I guess the "best part" award is tied between cookie cake and getting to hang out with Jen, Jason, and the babies. Although I'm a little concerned about the amount of straight-up SCHEMING Ollie was doing...

"Hmmm, yes, I shall explosively poo the SECOND they remove my diaper! Brilliant..."

      Anyone else reminded of this guy from Beauty and the Beast?  Probably not, that reference was a bit of a reach. And Ollie's obviously way cuter and less menacing. But he does a good impression of an evil insane asylum manager, right? Right. Anyway. 

ROASTED MARSHMALLOWS

     This is the part where I throw you a plot twist, M. Night Shyamalan style, because I don't mean actual marshmallows, I mean this: 

Smells like happiness and burning.

      I've got this Marshmallow Fireside candle burning as I write this and it smells so goooooood. Since it's been nice outside I've got the windows open, and the combination of the breeze and the cool air and the crickets and tree frogs outside and this candle is delightful. It really does smell like somebody nearby is having a campfire. I plan to go buy the full-sized version of it at Bath and Body Works the next time I get an email telling me three-wick candles are on sale.

Runny-Jumpy

     Obviously, because it's me, Runny-Jumpy isn't going to be a real thing, it's going to be the stupid thing I've been calling something else. In this case, I'm referring to my latest favorite game to play on my tablet when I've got a couple minutes to kill: Wind-Up Knight. 

Featuring Chicken-Dragons. I could get all 12th century lit on you and call it a cockatrice, but let's be real. It's a chicken-dragon.

      The reason I call it Runny-Jumpy should be fairly obvious: you do a lot of running and jumping. Also because I'm a bit of a simpleton, but mostly it's just an apt description when someone asks me what I'm playing. It's a side-scroller that starts out pretty simple, just collecting coins and slaying stupid-looking mythological terrors, but you get more abilities (a shield, dodge roll, wall-jumping) as you advance through the levels. I like that it gets more difficult, so it keeps me on my toes, but there are still only ever a max of four buttons to hit, so it doesn't get too insane.

     So those are the things I've enjoyed over the weekend! Hopefully you all had delightful weekends as well, although maybe involving less baby-scheming and burning-smells and more... I dunno, relaxation or whatever. 

Slice of (crazy cat-lady) life.

     Last night I spent a good half hour laying in my floor, trying to will myself to have some creatively brilliant idea (which, as you can imagine, always works out well. Creative block? Fixate on it as MUCH AS POSSIBLE until it overtakes your will to live!). This process has changed since I got a cat. 

Friday Favorites!

     Favorite videogame: Saints Row IV
     I'm still really enjoying this game! It's kind of out-there in terms of storyline, but when the basic gist of a game is "Run around having superpowers and throwing bad guys into lakes" you don't need really need to understand why you're doing it. Also my character has turquoise mermaid hair and dual-wields pastel pink and white polka dotted submachine guns, so for that alone, five stars. 

      Favorite food: Turkey Hill Double Dunker ice cream
     Two kinds of cookie chunks in coffee-flavored ice cream? Yes please. This ice cream actually kind of ruined other ice creams for me for a bit there. I went to make myself of bowl of it the other day and when I found it had all been eaten I just couldn't bring myself to have a different kind instead. It was Double Dunker or nothing, apparently. I may have thrown a small fit, even after Amanda offered me one of her ice cream bars because that's not what I waaaanted (I am a joy to be around). 

     Favorite material possession: Turbie Twist
     I can't remember if I've had this on a favorites list before, but I feel like even if I have, it warrants another mention. This thing makes the hellish experience of showering (even when I'm not recreating horror movie scenes in the shower, I still hate it -- shampooing like thirty pounds of hair, having to shave my legs, knocking over shampoo bottles with every movement because the storage ledges are SO IDIOTICALLY SHALLOW-- I am just not a shower-enjoyer) slightly less miserable. Specifically, the after-shower portion of my evening, in which I used to slap a towel on my head and then walk around trying to keep it on long enough to dry my hair a bit while complaining about how heavy it made my already oversized head. The Turbie Twist is a lot lighter, so I can leave it on for more than thirty seconds and thus, it works better. Plus it stays on with a little elastic you loop the end through, so if you drop something or want to pet a cat or whatever you don't have to do that weird, perfectly vertical squat to keep the towel from toppling over and ripping half your hair out (just me?), which is always a plus because I hate being tricked into exercising.

     Favorite people: Babies! 
     It's been just over a week since my little niece and nephew were born, and they're already total heart-stealers. I know I'm biased, but I'm still pretty sure they're the cutest babies in the history of human existence. Even when they're covered in poo and screaming their lungs out because they're pretty sure air touching their undiapered butts is the worst thing this world has to offer, they're still cute (this assertion is probably influenced heavily by the fact that I'm not the one who has to remedy the screaming Poopocalypse nine hundred times a day. Aunt-hood is the sweetest gig).

Life Lessons from Left 4 Dead

     I love zombies. Zombie movies, zombie books, arguing about various zombie theories and protocols -- all of it. But especially zombie videogames, and ESPECIALLY Left 4 Dead. I bought the game when it came out in 2008 and never looked back. I played it when I was bored, I played when I was stressed out, I played when I was drunk (with disastrous results). And it's always been a game I come back to when I just want to shoot zombies and blow stuff up and save humanity. Then recently I got my dad hooked on playing it with me, my sister and her husband. Now it's a family affair.

     But lest you think it's just mindless violence, I wanted to show you some of the important life lessons I've learned from playing over the years. I was thinking about this the other day and, after posting a zombie-dealt life lesson on Facebook, I realized I wanted to share some other lessons I've learned.

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Friday Favorites!

     It's been a while since I put together a list of the things that have been making me happy lately, so I thought I'd do that today! 

1. Mint Chocolate Candle
   
    

   

   Mmmm, smells like delicious.

   
        I'm not kidding when I tell you this candle smells exactly like mint chocolate chip ice cream. It is AMAZING. I love food scents, but I feel like a lot of food scented candles smell the same: vaguely cupcake-y, good, but really sweet. This one smells just like what it's supposed to, and doesn't do that thing where after burning it for a while the scent starts to make me sick. I want to leave that as a review on the website: "This smell doesn't make me sick! High praise!"
   
   
2. This Shirt, because obviously 

   

   Sorry that these pictures are all kind of dimly lit, it's been a hectic week so I ended up taking these at like 11:30 at night.

        Do I even need to explain why this makes me so happy? It's a bunch of my favorite things (soft, baggy shirts, seafoam green, pretty prancing ponies -- what more could I ask for?) crammed together into something I can drape on my body. Sold.
   
   
3. My Singing Monsters app 

   

   The little green guy just happens to sing my heart-song.

   
        I downloaded this app because Amanda DESPERATELY wanted someone other than her to play it and share her joy. So I did, and now I have a bunch of monsters sitting around serenading me. It's pretty delightful. The downside is that we both now run around singing the monsters' various songs constantly now. They don't have words, it's just like, screaming a bunch of "la la la's" at the top of your lungs, or muttering "shoop shooby, shooba dee doo" under your breath. We're fun to be around.
   
   
4. Solarcaine spray 

   

   Bonus Bessie butt makes this picture 60% better, yes?

   
        I picked this up while on vacation and have been raving about it to anyone planning to travel to sunny climes ever since. It's basically an aloe and lidocaine spray designed to soothe and numb sunburns. When I had a nice flavorful sear going on on the front of my legs, this spray is what brought me back to a point where I could bend my knees without feeling like my skin might crack like a cheesecake (I'll stop with the food metaphors now). Now that my sunburn has healed, I've found the spray also works well for mosquito bites. It's a lifesaver since mosquito bites swell up to the size of a softball on me even if I don't itch them; if they DO get itchy I could go full Violet Beauregard and just swell up uncontrollably.
   
   
5. Tortellini 
   
        I'm sure I've mentioned before how I go through food obsession phases where I'll eat the same thing every day for a week, right? This week that thing has been tortellini. I've been to Target three times in the last week, and every time I bought tortellini. I had Chipotle for dinner last night, and actually thought afterwards, "I could go for some tortellini." My food obsessions are INTENSE, y'all. I'm gonna turn into a tortellini. And then eat myself. Tortellinception. That's why I don't have a picture to go with this one. Because I ate all the tortellinis in the world before they could be photographed. Sorry about that.