Monday, March 3, 2014

The real Farm Hero is the undercover FDA worker filming it all for an expose on the nightly news.

     So Jen got me hooked on this game called Farm Heroes may recognize it as the thing that floods your Facebook feed around the time everybody has lunch breaks. She downloaded it on my tablet while she was here one day, then when it finished downloading (about a week later. Have I mentioned recently we have somewhat poor internet here?) I thought, "Well, let's see what all the fuss is about." Cut to me, three days later, mumbling to myself "I hate this damn raccoon, tryna steal all my crops." But the more I played it, the more questions I had. 

     So it's just your standard sort of "shit falls from the sky and you put it in pairings to move on and your funny little brain-parts go 'Wheee! Order! Rewards!' and you feel like you accomplished things" kind of game, but if you stop to think about it, everything about it is so freaking weird. 

     My biggest question is what kind of freaky-ass genetic modification are they doing to this produce to make it all not only sentient, but also squee-incitingly adorable? For one thing, there's no way in hell this stuff is FDA approved. For another, I'm concerned enough about the fact that they're planning to sell giggling apples and onions with the ability to cry to the public for consumption in the first place -- do we need to get some sort of fruit-and-vegetable rights activism going here? -- but that raises the even more disconcerting question of who, exactly, the market for this is. Am I to believe that in the same magical universe where carrots and strawberries smile at you, there is a population of people who say "I could go for an apple, but what I really want is one that will scream and plead for mercy as I bite into it." A population large enough for whatever farm I'm trying to "hero" to be like "Sure, that sounds like a profitable and in no way morally turbulent decision?" 

    Or am I trying to save the produce FROM the farm? Because I do wonder, if this place has the kind of funding and resources available to engineer anthropomorphized fruit, why do I do all the harvesting with a dog pushing a wheelbarrow? Surely we could afford a tractor or something. Am I some sort of rogue super-heroine, saving the fruit and vegetables (and chickens --GOD DON'T GET ME STARTED ON THE CHICKENS -- they're always frozen, which I guess is probably an experiment in cryogenics so all the freaky fruit can live forever? Or maybe they're frozen in order to extract DNA to mix with fruits, thus begetting their cuteness and self-awareness? If so, GEEZ, evil genius hiding behind the front that is this sham of a farm, you're supposed to use the embryos for that, stop freezing already-hatched chickens, that's stupid and mean) from the clutches of some power-hungry mad scientist? Is that why the dog that pushes the wheelbarrow is wearing boots, and the pig is wearing a scarf and aviation goggles (getaway plane driver, I guess)? Because in this alternate universe all living things have gained human-like cognitive skills, and the animals and a select league of humans have banded together to defend the subjugated consumable class? 


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