Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Look with your special eyes!

     That 1-800-contacts commercial always rubbed me the wrong way because the gist of it is "chill out, drama queen, we totally have your contacts, sheesh," but guess what? NOT MINE. Yes, it's true: I really DO have "special eyes," apparently. I know this because when I try to enter my prescription into the order form at their website, it basically tells me "that's not a thing." It's not like my eyesight is so abysmal that they don't make contacts strong enough for me or anything. It's good enough that I'd see a car before it hit me, but bad enough that I find myself wandering around, hands outstretched, saying "my glasses! I can't find my glasses!" like Velma in a spooky old fishery more often than I'd care to admit. Nope, it's one of the other numbers that measures the size or curve of your eye or something. The website gives you a drop-down menu of numbers and mine is exactly between two of the choices. And it's not like I can size up for a roomier fit, or squeeze my eyeballs into a size smaller like a pair of jeans. 

     Whatever, that was just supposed to be the post title and I just turned it into a 200 word rant on the failings of a purveyor of contact lenses. What I actually wanted to write about is how I'm not going to have special eyes for much longer (well, by 1-800-contacts standards. All eyes are pretty special by other standards, because have you ever looked at an eye for long enough that it started to freak you out? Eyes are weird man! There's tiny little muscles in there!). I had a consultation yesterday to see if I'm eligible for LASIK. They did every eye test you can possibly imagine, from dilating my pupils and shining the light of a thousand burning suns in my eyes to numbing them and poking at them with a stick to the old standby "read what's under the E" test (I couldn't see the "E." This makes me sad). It turns out I'm an excellent candidate because I have nice thick juicy corneal tissue (sexy!) and a stable prescription.

     So next Wednesday I'll be paying a dude thousands of dollars to shoot laserbeams into my eyeballs, because we live in the future. While the idea of spending so much money does make me want to throw up a little bit, I have to get my vision fixed eventually -- either that or wear glasses for the rest of my life. I've already been wearing contacts for over ten years, and you just can't wear them forever without doing damage to your eyes, as my doctors have always told me (Thanks, guy who warned me to be on my guard about retinal detachment. You have no idea exactly HOW on my guard I am about retinal detachment now. More than any rational human should be. Constant vigilance!). Now is as good a time as any, then, I figure. I also figure if you're gonna splash out on something nice for yourself, there's literally nothing better you could buy than SIGHT.

     Of course I'll let you know how everything goes after it's done (but not right away -- I have to go home immediately after and nap for as long as I can. Doctor-ordered day-sleeping! It's a dream come true for a weirdo like me who can only sleep when the sun's up!).

No comments:

Post a Comment