Thursday, July 21, 2011

The Worst Commercials, part 2

Remember this post, in which I showed you a few of the absolute worst commercials on television at the time? Well, there's more. Here are my top three least favorite commercials on tv right now, in no particular order:

Number One

Just like the old commercial with that little kid who can't stand to be seen with his parents in a "lame" car, this one is just the epitome of "I'd put those little shits on Craigslist." The disdain in their faces....OVER TOAST. Toast, of all things. What, you're too good for toast? Toast not cool enough for you? God forbid the breakfast that someone else prepared and sat in front of you for your consumption not taste like a candy bar.

And then they have the nerve to start fighting over it once it's got Nutella on it. Oh, now it's good enough for your precious taste buds, huh? Fine, take the whole jar of Nutella, eat that, and that alone for a few days straight, we'll see how long it is before you come crawling back, begging for some toast to soothe your Nutella-binge-induced stomach-ache.

Number Two

I have a full-on rage blackout every single time this commercial comes on.

I can't even....I don't know where to begin. Admiral Ass-clown here struggles to listen to his wife talking for five seconds. Five seconds. Not fifteen minutes, not an hour. FIVE SECONDS. And she's not even talking about something he has no stake in, like some tidbit of neighborhood gossip or how she got a new pair of shoes on sale or whatever. She's suggesting a paint color for their house and asking his opinion. And he's about to crap his pants. How did this idiot trick someone into marrying him in the first place? What is his problem, anyway? This is beyond "I'm just a jerk" territory and well into "I'm socially retarded to the point of being incompatible for human interaction" territory. He can't just sit and deal for five freaking seconds? I could sit on the couch next to Charles Manson listening for five seconds and STILL come out of it looking less sweaty and uncomfortable.

Number Three

 My first issue with this commercial is the look on this lady's face when she first realizes the couple in the car need a lawyer...

"Paydirt!" she thought, laughing inwardly. The breakfast bun lay forgotten on the table, forsaken by its purchaser. Poor bun. 

So these two are getting divorced, they've totaled their car, they're gonna go bankrupt, and their about to be sued for personal injury and property damage? Yeah, ok, sometimes you do need a lawyer.

In this case though, you're probably gonna need a funeral director, because these people are about to kill themselves. Maybe that woman'll get lucky and they'll call her up when they need a lawyer to read the wills. What is the logic behind this commercial? Am I supposed to think, after crashing my car into a police station or something one day, "Oh no, I need a lawyer! What about that website with the commercial where a lady watches two peoples lives fall apart and just stands there, ready to profit from it, shilling her stupid website?" Because more than likely, my thoughts would be closer to "Oh no, I need a lawyer! I'll not be using that website, they have an awful sense of humor and will probably steal my identity or something."

Lest I leave this post with nothing but negative vibes, here's a commercial I saw the other day that is pretty much just fabulous.

It's hard to make rats cute. Especially to someone like me, who has had a terrifying encounter with a rat the size of a housecat. And yet...I still kinda want to join their band. 

I feel like Orkin commercials are always super effective, but not necessarily at what they're shooting for. Because really, every time I see an Orkin commercial, I am completely sold that I need to call them. But I don't want them to just de-pest my house, I want them to send an Orkin man to just hang around 24/7 and be in charge of home security. "They're always so serious and intense," I think when I see one of their commercials. "My house will be bug free forever, and if someone ever broke in, the Orkin man could probably beat him with an everyday object until he was subdued enough to submit to a citizen's arrest, should the need arise. Double win. Sold!"

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