Thursday, April 14, 2011

The worst commercials ever (right now).

I'm the most annoying person on earth to watch tv with, because I talk back to the commercials. It's only the ridiculous ones, but....there are a LOT of ridiculous commercials. Take a walk with me down "What the Heck" lane, as I present to you, in no particular order, my least favorite commercials. Plus snarky commentary on why they're awful.

The sound quality on this video isn't great, but it doesn't matter. You don't need to hear it to experience the horror. It's for an ADHD medicine, and apparently they said "What, people are concerned about using medication to turn their children into mindless little drones? Let's make an ad that makes it look like that's EXACTLY WHAT THIS DOES." Seriously. Look at that kid when he's brushing his teeth. The look in his eyes, like he's dead inside. I can practically hear him thinking, "Why am I burdened with existence?"

It's especially annoying to me because we all know ADHD is vastly overdiagnosed. And they don't even pretend to be concerned. "Is your child impulsive and inattentive?" What, you a child?

"Oh my God, we were robbed of all our earthly possessions! Except our computer, which obviously still works or we wouldn't even have it. We should probably be grateful to still have some connection to the modern world. Actually, screw that. Rather than replace our stolen goods let's rush out to get a fancier version of the ONLY THING WE HAVE LEFT."

WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS GUY. "Pie? She said pie. I find pie. Pie pie pie. WHERE IS PIE. What am I supposed to do with all this worthless fruit?" Seriously, he rummages through the fridge like he's gonna starve to death looking for a damn apple turnover.

"And I've already lost some weight!" Good for you, lady. You've completely ditched solid food and filled your fridge almost exclusively with yogurt, like you're stockpiling for the Great Yogurt Famine, and lost maybe three pounds as a result. Sure, I had tacos for lunch and they were fab, but I had to go through all that tedious chewing.  You're the real winner here.

"Babe, what are you doing?"  "Just....I wonder.....If I cut you, would blood or yogurt come out?"

This kid. He doesn't tolerate dorkiness very well. Especially from his parents, those squares who brought him into existence and pay for all his tiny little leather jackets and sacrificed being cool and free to devote their entire lives to this insufferable little turd.

You're too cool to catch a free ride in your parents van? Fine, how about you walk yer ass to school and back and see how you dig that, comrade? See if you can't hitch a ride with a stranger on the highway to Chuck E. Cheese, or is getting kidnapped too mainstream for you?

This one is only terrible because it's so shamelessly designed to scare you and make you feel terrible. "You think you can do what human beings have been doing for thousands and thousands of years and holding your tiny adorable offspring in your arms? Haha, PSYCH, you're totally gonna kill it. You suck so bad. Babykiller. Why are you the worst?"

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