THING 1: I GET IRRATIONALLY ANGRY AT PEOPLE WHO SHUCK CORN IN THE STORE
I can't even explain why this makes me so angry. They put a big bin by the corn specifically to accommodate these people. But it still infuriates me. It's one thing to peel back the husk a bit to make sure it's a good ear. It is completely another to stand there and shuck six ears of corn in the middle of Food Lion while everyone waits to get around you and pick their corn, which they will then shuck at home LIKE A DECENT HUMAN BEING. It's just such a weird thing to do! Do you peel your bananas in the store too, ya freak of nature?
THING 2: I AM INCAPABLE OF EATING A MCDONALD'S CHEESEBURGER NORMALLY
This is apparently a thing I started doing when I was very, very young, and then just never grew out of, sort of like having an incredibly on-point startle reflex (I spend a lot of time looking like Edvard Munch's The Scream). It has to go pickles first, top bun, then burger. Bottom bun is garbage. When I was very little the bottom bun went to my grandparents' dog, but then he tried to rip my throat out, so he didn't get the bottom bun anymore after that because we were not friends anymore. It's only McDonald's burgers, too. A burger from literally any other place on earth gets eaten normally. Fortunately I pretty much only eat at McDonald's when I'm hungover, so people don't have to witness this spectacle of horror very often.
THING 3: ANIMAL SQUEAL OF DOOM
I can't not shriek the name of an animal when I see one. It's another one of the ways in which I'm still at the developmental level of small child, I guess. Even when I'm driving. Even when I'm driving alone. Always. There will never be a time that I see a horse and don't squeal "pony!!!!" at a pitch un-hearable by any animal other than dogs, dolphins, bats, and old people with very sensitive hearing aids. Sometimes there is clapping involved. It is somewhat embarrassing.
No comments:
Post a Comment