Friday, January 10, 2014

Yarrrr...lsberg. What?

     I recently discovered a super delicious and easy recipe kind of on accident. Well, I meant to discover it, I just accidentally got it right on the first try when I thought it would be way harder. See, at my Kroger they make this tasty Jarlsberg cheese spread that I tried a sample of once and got hooked on (just as they planned. Damn my susceptible tastebuds!). But it's around five dollars for the ittiest bittiest little container of it, and I just couldn't justify spending that much on fancy cheese products. So I thought I would try to recreate it at home, and it turned out to be amazingly simple, with just three ingredients and some stirring. The three ingredients...

     Jarlsberg cheese (Can anyone else not hear that word without thinking of Skyrim? You should talk to the Jarl, he may have some work for you. No? Ok), real full-fat mayonnaise (trust me, it's important), and an onion. In a perfect world, I'd use red onion, but I didn't have any, and I have the Great Depression mindset of use what you got, so white onion it is. If you're looking at these ingredients and thinking it looks like a Fear Factor challenge or something you'd throw together in desperation the day before you get paid, bear with me. I would not lead you astray. 

     The assembly here is idiotically simple: shred the cheese and dice the onion...

     You'll probably want it chopped more finely than that, but I chopped that far, then threw the knife down and ran off screaming and clutching my eyes like the spitting dinosaur from Jurassic Park had gotten me, so whatever. Good enough. 

     Then add mayonnaise. I wasn't kidding when I said it has to be actual full-fat mayo; I made this the first time with light mayo, and it was good, but not amazing. This is, as I'm sure you could have guessed, the portion of the recipe where people want to know an actual quantity and I say, "I dunno, some?"  because I'm the worst and I cook like everybody's grandma, all "Oh, a bit of this, a smidge of that." About a fistful? I mean an amount the size of your fist, don't actually scoop out a fistful of mayonnaise. Barf. Okay, like, this much maybe?

Least appealing photo. Ever. 
     The point is to add enough to hold everything together, but not make one giant mayo-flavored mess. Start with less than you think, because until you really stir it up thoroughly it'll seem more dry than it actually is. Mayo's a tricky bastard like that. 

     When everything's evenly combined, stick it in the fridge overnight. What? I've been duped, I thought this was a thing I got to eat now! I feel so misled! Yeah, ok, I hear you, imaginary complaint-laden reader. You could eat it right away if you really wanted, it's a free country and all, but it'd be a terrible mistake and you'd regret it all your life and when you died and met St. Peter at the pearly gates he'd be like, "Really, bro? Couldn't wait one night on the Jarlsberg spread? You missed out bigtime." Basically if you put it in the fridge overnight, all the flavors meld together and turn into something way more delicious than three unremarkable ingredients have any right to be. It's like having fridge elves who come and do spells over your food. 

     When you're finally ready to eat it, here's how to do it: on a Townhouse cracker. That is the one true path to deliciousness.

Thanks for reading, have an aggressively close-up shot of food!

     I know it doesn't seem like it, but this is so gooood. I hope you'll give it a shot sometime! 

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