Monday, January 28, 2013

That really escalated quickly. I mean that really got out of hand fast.

     The reason for the Anchorman reference in the title will become apparent later. It will aaaalll make sense one day, I promise (but by "one day" I mean "later in this post" and by "aaaalll" I mean "specifically this one reference and nothing else").

     As you may have noticed, when I can't think of anything to write about here, I sometimes like to just tell you a little story. And my brain is really just not working correctly enough to write anything amazing today (I mistook the sound of someone blowing their nose for an electric drill. That happened. This brain is having a day off). I blame this on the fact that I am so tired that at several points throughout the day I felt like I might pull a Sims move and just fall over onto the floor for a nap. This whole "readjusting of the sleep schedule" shenanigan does not appear to be going well.

     Because of the aforementioned doziness, I had what I call an "empty day," which is a thing that I'm not sure mentally sound people actually have. Basically, it's a day when you're not sad or depressed or anything (though it might look that way to others), but you're not particularly overjoyed either. You're just kind of cruising through the day, waiting until bedtime. I have these days once every few months, and it's almost always when I'm just overwhelmingly tired. It's like being too tired to have any strong feelings.

     So I spent the whole day playing Fable 3, because that's what I felt like doing, and Sundays are for doing what you feel. And while I was playing, I made a bit of a woopsie.

     First, let me set the scene for you. I'm doing a favor for one of the townspeople. Her husband has changed over the years into a verbally abusive, philandering jerk, and he looks like a hobbit, but not one of the cool ones. She wants a divorce, but he won't divorce her because he doesn't want to give her half their money and he's content to just cheat on her, I guess. So she asks me to help her out of her situation. Immediately, I'm thinking, "You want I should kill him?" but it turns out she only wants me to seduce him and tell him about how rich I am so he'll divorce her to come mooch off my hard-earned cash. But then the scheme will be revealed before I actually have to embarrass myself by marrying him, leaving him poor and heartbroken and still a douchewagon. I am wholeheartedly on board with this plan, because it is deliciously soap operatic and also because it benefits me (I get "points," kind of, if I do it). Chaotic neutral fo' life, yo.

     So I go through the motions of seducing the Ugly Wee Hobbit: we dance, we play Patty-Cake (sensually, I guess? I dunno, it's a weird game), I buy him a ruby, take him on a lovely date to the town bridge, leave him there overnight while I run off to do some shopping and have a nap (as you do), come back and propose. Mind you, the whole time, he is an insufferable ass, telling me how nice it is to spend time with me instead of his wife, who "spends too much time reading" and ruins his whole life with this thing she does called "talking." My original intent to kill him resurfaces and quickly solidifies into a definite future occurrence. And he runs off to give his wife the divorce papers.

     When I catch up with these two crazy kids, he's given his wife the papers, and she's told him her whole plan, like an amateur super-villain. But he's still stupid and full of himself, remember? So he turns to me and says something along the lines of "Well, you're pretty despicable, I see. How despicable are you? Kill her before she can turn the papers in and I'll keep the money, then you'll be marrying a rich man!"

    At which point I sit on the couch yelling at the tv, "Did he just call me despicable? Oh hells no. I am the melonfarmin' Princess of this MondaytoFriday land, you best step down, son." (Those are Snakes on a Plane censored-for-tv style swears, I don't actually farm melons in between Princess duties on weekdays.) And obviously, I'm going to kill him. At this point it just has to happen. It's the only way to give this story a happy ending.

     L'il Wifey is aghast. "You can just leave, this doesn't concern you anymore! Please don't kill me!" she says to me. And I'm thinking, "Chill, girl, I got your back. Ovaries before Brovaries. Uteruses before Duderuses. Just let me kill your soon-to-be-ex-husband, because he is a walking stink-suit of misery and woe."

     So I whip out my sword .... and ACCIDENTALLY KILL THEM BOTH IN ONE MOVEMENT.

     Now,  if you have ever seen me genuinely shocked before, you will know that when surprised, I make the same face as Simon Pegg in Shaun of the Dead when he accidentally kills his first zombie. So I sat on the couch like this for a minute.

     Then I quietly back out the door, lock it behind me, and flee town before anyone can find them.

     As far as I know, I'm not in trouble, but maybe they just haven't had any visitors or overly inquisitive Girl Scouts or Jehovah's Witnesses come looking for them yet. I'm hoping to save up enough money to buy the house so no one can ever investigate and find out what happened (a thing which most assuredly does not happen in this game, but which I have convinced myself is going to happen anyway, because if I'm gonna commit accidental videogame murder, might as well just let it all spiral into madness, right?).
     The weird thing is I still got the "points" for doing the mission, and the message that popped up with it said that what I had done was "ultimately fair," so it didn't even affect my morality and make me more evil. I feel like the game said to me "Yeah, it's cool. They were both kind of annoying anyway."

     I told you it was a weird game.

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