Friday, December 21, 2012

Rantin' and Ravin'

     I want to open a club called "The Rant & Rave" where you can get on the open mic to rant about something that bothers you while house music plays and strobe lights flash.


  Today I want to talk to you all about something near and dear to my heart: the get-a-grip friend. I started thinking about how everyone really needs one the other night when I saw a commercial for some supposedly magical skin cream that basically came right out and said "YOUR FACE IS MAKING MEN FLEE IN TERROR, BUY THIS LOTION." Didn't even try to hide its marketing strategy. 

     No, seriously -- they have this standard issue "average-looking relatable lady" looking in the mirror disdainfully and saying "no WONDER men look right through me." And all I could think was "Can I just save the money I'm sure as shit not about to spend on this face cream and use it to buy this poor woman a FRIEND instead?"
     Because really? And this is a factually undeniable, universally true statement: If you are looking in the mirror and thinking "this visual fart of a face is the root of all my problems!" then you don't need a fancy sounding lotion, you need a GET-A-GRIP FRIEND. You need someone to grab you by the shoulders and say “GIRL. NO. Men look right through you because you have such crap self-esteem that you spend your leisure time sitting in front of a mirror pawing at your supposedly grizzled mug in disgust. Let's go out for cheesecake.”

     And I think that's a problem a lot of women have: they don't have a get a grip friend. And I can understand why, they're hard to come by and can be hard to keep around because sometimes the grip-getting can be hard to hear. I mean, if you've got three friends that agree with everything you say and one who occasionally says, “Honey no, that's an awful idea,” she probably isn't gonna be the one you pick to be maid of honor because whatever-she-just-doesn't-get-your-genius, but you NEED HER.

     Now I'm not talking about friends who belittle all your ideas or judge you or treat you like you're stupid. Those are not get-a-grip friends, those are assholes. They're easy to come by, you don't need to keep them. Let them float on away like stank on the wind.

     But I think we ladyfolk sometimes default to this style of friendship where even when our friend is talking crazy, we smile and nod because it's easier to avoid the confrontation (and then talk about how nuts she is with a different friend later). But we need more get-a-grip friends in the world. People who can support their friends, but can also say...

“No, I DON'T think you should get that tattoo on your forehead, you've been drinking.”

“Quitting your job to start a meth lab isn't as great an idea as you think. The hours are probably crap and also you might get blown up.”

“Harem pants are not a thing. They look like they were designed to allocate space for your adult diaper full of poo.

“Sure, a pet chimp SEEMS like a good idea at first, but they'll eat your face.”

“Should you give your ex-boyfriend a second chance? If he's got no chance for parole, he's got no chance with you.”

So please, if you have a get-a-grip friend, cherish her. If you don't, I hope you find one soon. And if you ARE the get-a-grip friend, the world thanks you.

No comments:

Post a Comment