Wednesday, December 19, 2012

5 Things You Could Do When the Wifi is Down

  1. Think up long lists of things you'd like to google. Get desperate enough that you think about getting out an actual encyclopedia. Realize that the IMDB page for the movie you're watching won't be in the encyclopedia. Get very sad.

  2. Work on your apocalypse contingency plans. Realize that it doesn't really matter, you're screwed anyway because after an apocalypse the wifi is ALWAYS down and you won't be able to google “how to desalinize ocean water” or “how to kill a particularly fat zombie.” Or, if your googling style is more like mine: “Ocean water icky thirsty what do?” and “big-ass zombie won't die troubleshoot (haha accidental pun).”

  3. Make something. Be forewarned that this will never be fulfilling enough to make you forget about the lack of internet unless the “something” you're making is a type of food. Now is not the time to get into canoe-building. Unless a canoe is part of the doomsday plan you developed in option #3, in which case, sure go for it.

  4. Draw increasingly elaborate doodles until whoever's iPad you've stolen wants it back. Consider using paper and pencil instead. Get indignant, scream “What is this, the dark ages?” and refuse to use physical materials because you're not into that whole “ironic vintage” thing the hipster kids are doing these days. (I guess if you have your own iPad this step is greatly simplified.)

    This is the kind of awesome rockabilly hair that I like so much on other people but am doomed to never have a prayer of pulling off. My doodles be gettin crazy elaborate, son.

  5. Sleep. This is a highly favorable option because it passes the time faster than any of the previously listed options (especially that canoe thing, I can't believe you were serious about that. Your hobbies are weird, but whatever brosephine, carry on) and there's a chance you could dream about the internet. Sweet lolcat dreams shall carry thee softly to the future, a beautiful future in which you can open your computer and not see this: or a sad otter or whatever it is you get on Apple products when your internet connection isn't working.

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