Friday, February 1, 2013

4 Excuses better than "I'm busy."

     Sometimes you just want to stay home and try to find the end (or is it the beginning?) of Tumblr, and you can't be bothered with this "going out" thing that all the hip young folk are doing. But "I'm  busy" can sound a little rude, and frankly it's too vague. The followup question is inevitably "doing what?" and then you're stuck either trying to think of something on the spot or stammering "um...well...nothing, but in a way that is vitally necessary to my happiness!" I suggest using one of these alternatives.

  1. I have to continue searching for the lost plays of Euripides.Why it works: We all want to sound intelligent, and this excuse makes you sound like the Indiana Jones of your local university's English department. Plus it's reusable: those plays have been lost for like 2,500 years. If no one's found them by now, no one's going to. But it still sounds like a noble pursuit, and most people that you use this line on won't be able to google it to fact-check you because "Euripides" is really hard to spell.
  2. A gnarled old crone told my mother on the day of my birth that on the fifty-second day of the season of basket-weaving in the year of the mallard, a redheaded traveler would hit me with a stick and steal a lock of my hair for nefarious purposes. I think I'd better stay home, just in case.
    Why it works: There are only two kinds of people in this world: the kind who will react to this excuse with concern, understanding, and a well-wish along the lines of "At least you're a Leo,  which means you're super resourceful!" and leave you to go about the business of protecting your fate, and the kind who will first think you're joking, but upon your insistence that you're serious will then think you're stupid, and will then not want to hang out with you anymore because they will want to spend the rest of the day making fun of you. Either way, you get to stay home.

  3. I have the flu.
    Why it works: Everyone is so damn scared of the flu right now that they'll probably just immediately hang up on you once you say these four words, lest your germs reach through to the other end of the phone like a cartoon ghost and slap them in the face. And you don't have to worry about anyone dropping by to check on you and finding out you're not sick because once they think you're an incubus of viral plague they're too busy calling the CDC to set up an appointment to have your house quarantined and/or incinerated.

  4. There's still so much we don't know, with regards to the ethology of Felis Catus Linnaeus, that I really feel I should use my free time to study it more for signs of dangerous behaviors, don't you?
    Why it works: Cats. All this means is you're going to stay home and watch cat videos. But it sounds boring and like it would take a long time to explain if anyone asked you about it, so no one will.

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