Beach Essentials!

     As you may know because I can't shut up about it, I'm headed to the beach soon! With that excitement looming and my need to constantly overthink things, I've been putting some thought into what you really need at the beach. Here's some of my necessities (and I mean that in the way magazines do, where sure it's nice to have, but none of their "necessities" are ever like, Immodium). 

A CUTE SWIMSUIT, BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY 

     I know most women hate trying on swimsuits with the burning fire of a thousand suns, but I actually don't mind it that much. For me personally, I'm much more likely to end up sobbing inconsolably in a fitting room when shopping for shorts than a swimsuit. Somehow it's easier to accept, I guess because it feels like everyone else looks and feels cute in shorts and I look like Squidward after he eats all the Krabby Patties, but everybody feels a little self-conscious in a bikini, so it's normal? (That's depressing, I'm sorry.) I mean you're essentially tying a bunch of fabric scraps over all your lady-dough, what do we expect to happen? Anyway, the point to all this is that I found a swimsuit top at Target the other day that I liked enough to try on even though I'd just had a big lunch at McAllister's (Southwest Turkey Melt and Mac and Cheese. Mmmmm), which is...extra braveness points, right there. It took a couple trips to the dressing room to find a bottom that I was comfortable in (one of them was a string type configuration with loops on the side and it didn't even matter if it was cute or not, I felt like I was diapering one of the babies putting it on with the sides like that), but I found one eventually. The top had a matching bottom, but it didn't have enough coverage for my liking, and I thought a mix and match look would be cuter anyway, so I went for the bright orange. The top and bottom were $17.99 each, so it ended up being a $36 swimsuit, which is a pretty damn good deal considering that top has actual underwire in it. It's legitimately supportive, which is hard to find in a swimsuit that doesn't look like you're meant to wear it to water aerobics at the senior center. 

ALSO SASSY SUNGLASSES

     I always like to grab a pair or two of cheap sunglasses before I go on vacation so that if I lose or break them, I won't be too upset about the loss. Granted, I pretty much exclusively wear cheap sunglasses because I can't be trusted with a small breakable thing that cost over $20 because when I inevitably break it, I will cry and embarrass myself. So there's that. But anyway, these two pairs are from Charlotte Russe, a store that I normally wouldn't even bother going in because I just wander around shaking my fists at the sky and muttering "why is everything cropped? In my day we wore whole shirts!" But since I was on a specific mission for accessories, I ventured forth and found these. The top pair is just a basic black wayfarer style, but it has a floral pattern inside the...arms? Is that what the side parts are called? I'm spacing here. It sounded right at first then I thought about why the hell sunglasses would have arms and how that would mean they're essentially hugging onto your face and that's SO WEIRD so now it sounds wrong? Let's just go with arms. Anyway, it's floral inside those things, and polka dots on the outside, so it's a teensy hop above basic. The heart-shaped pair I kind of tried on half as a joke, but Amanda said they work somehow on me because I'm a whimsical hippie weirdo or something. I feel it's important to note though that both pairs had a sticker on the lens that said they offer 100% UV protection, because sometimes with really cheap sunnies you just get tinted plastic, which doesn't actually protect your eyes and might even do more harm than good, since the tint tricks your pupils into dilating more and letting in more harmful rays than it would otherwise. So be careful! Sun safety is really important, guys. On that note...

DID YOU REALLY THINK I WASN'T GOING TO MENTION SUNSCREEN

     I don't have a picture to go with this because come on, you know what sunscreen looks like. I'm bringing buttloads of it. Skin cancer don't mess around, and neither do I. 

THIS FACE WASH BECAUSE IT IS MIRAAAACULOUS

     If you're looking to simplify things when you're gonna be traveling, I got your back. I'm not normally one to get excited about face wash because I have stupidly sensitive acne-prone skin so there's only like five kinds in the whole world that I can use without breaking out or getting all red and peely, which takes most of the fun out of it. This one though, I love. It doesn't irritate my skin at all, so none of that weird tight feeling like you want to stick your face in a bucket of lotion, and doesn't make me break out either. But the BEST part, easily, is that it takes off makeup like magic. Remember in Mulan when she wipes her sleeve over her face and all the makeup the nice older ladies put on her comes right off, including eyeliner and lipstick that was put on with an actual paintbrush? That's what this is like. So when you're going away and you don't want to bring a bottle of eye makeup remover or face wipes or anything like that to take off your paints at the end of the day (or if you just like to feel like you really got all the sunscreen and sweat and sea salt or whatever off your face), this stuff is amazing. Just lather it up in your hands then go over your whole face and closed eyes a few times, then rinse everything off. It's a really cool trick, and it makes my face feel all soft too, so in case I want to go around rubbing my face on people like a cat they'll be like "Oh my God what is wrong with y- hey, your face is really soft!" 

THINGS PEOPLE USED TO DO TO ENTERTAIN THEMSELVES BEFORE THE INTERNET

     There's wifi access where I'm going, but it's a family vacation, so we like to do actual family stuff and try not to sit around staring at phones and stuff the whole time. My family has always liked doing puzzles (I used to sit under the glass table at Massanutten, the mountain resort we've gone to yearly since forever, and find the pieces people were looking for by shape, because sometimes it's hard to keep my cover and pretend to be from this planet). I ordered two from Amazon and picked up a new copy of Scattergories, another family favorite, because our original box was in sad shape, all the paper and pencils were gone, and the categories were probably things like "USSR political leaders." 

THIS INCLUDES READING MATERIAL 

     I bought this book on my tablet kind of intending it to be a beach read, but I made the mistake of starting it, then I finished the whole thing that night because it was so funny. Like chuckling out loud to an empty room funny. So now I'm going to force everyone else at the beach to read it instead, which is almost as good. I also got some magazines and the first book in a young adult series on my tablet, because that's the best kind of beach read in my opinion. Maybe that'll turn up in a favorites post some day soon, who knows. 

Disney Princess Life

     I've been up in the Blue Ridge mountains for a long weekend, savoring the fresh air and feeding deer out of my hand like Snow White. I named one Snuffles, and she got so close to me her eyelashes brushed my cheek. I'm fairly certain that's an old-world omen that I'm going to lead a magical life from now on. It's like a hippogriff bowing to you, it means you're respected amongst the forest creatures. 

Shell your soul for rock and roll.

     Yeah, I think I'm just gonna keep on with the "labored puns as post titles" bit forever and ever. Cool? Cool. 

     You know how when you're at the beach and you find a cool shell you're like "Oh my Glob, this needs to come home with me, it must happen," but then when you take it out at home you wonder what the hell you're supposed to do with it? Well here's an idea for you! 

     I "found" this shell whilst at the beach last week (meaning someone else found it and left it in the beach grass, presumably when they realized it had a hole in it and tossed it aside, saying "Bah, to a grassy grave with thee, besmirched shell!") and instantly knew what I wanted to do with it, in true "creative vision" fashion. The Lord hath spoken, and he said unto me, "You are gonna make something Pinterest-y as hell with this."


     So when I got it home, the first step I took to fulfill it's destiny was to coat it in high gloss lacquer. Shells are always prettiest when they're wet, but short of keeping shells in the shower (probably dangerous), a coat of lacquer is the next best thing. 

     
     Then to complete the transformation, I grabbed a couple things...

     Namely, a short string of white lights and a pack of the little sticky feet you put on various things to keep them from moving around/scratching things up. 

     I stuck the feet onto the shell to make it sit at the angle I wanted without falling over...

     And threaded the lights through the hole in the back of the shell. If you happen to find a perfect shell that doesn't have a gaping hole in the back, you could still do this project, just buy a string of battery-operated lights instead of the plug-in variety. Then plug it in/switch it on, and you've got a beachy accent light that doubles as a souvenir!

     I love the way the lacquered interior of the shell reflects the little lights. It almost looks like mercury glass at times! And of course, there are a lot of options here. You could paint your shell white for a ceramic look, metallic gold or silver to up the shine factor, or even a bright neon if "1980s surrealist hip-hop mermaid" is more your aesthetic (I can dig that). If you really want to go all out, you could also use colored lights inside the shell. I went for white because sometimes I like to try my hand at restraint, but different colors would create a really cool effect too. 

Beach Post #3!

     My beach week is coming to an end! It's always sad when a vacation ends, and it always goes by too quickly. But I'm looking forward to getting home and starting up some new projects. The getaway was a good way to get my creative juices flowing again -- I have lots of ideas! And it's good timing to leave today anyway, what with Andrea barreling directly towards where we stayed. Anyway, let's talk about what I did during my last two days in North Carolina. 

     Part of each of the last three days of my trip was spent raging at this one dude who showed up on the beach outside our house every day -- for THREE DAYS, remember -- to dig a giant hole in the sand (like, waist-deep) and then leave it there, unfilled, like a booby-trap for unsuspecting people/animals/children/beached whales. WHY? To what end? One theory was that he liked to let it fill with the incoming tide and warm up like a hobo hot-tub, but two of the three days the hole was so far inland the only way it was gonna fill up was with a sudden downpour or a truly stupid number of trips to the water and back with a bucket. Surely it's not just for fun, right? There's literally an entire movie about how digging holes is so unpleasant it can be used as punishment/reformation for degenerate pre-teens. I wouldn't even care if he'd just fill it in at the end of the day, but no. Just left it there each time for someone else to deal with, which is just rude. It's like pooping in the floor of a bank and assuming someone else will clean it up: yeah, some poor soul will probably do it eventually, but should they have to? No.

     When I wasn't busy raging against this obnoxious stranger, though, we did fun things. Like visit the dunes at Jockey's Ridge State Park. Some members of our party who shall remain nameless think dunes are super boring, but I thought it was cool. The best description comes from a review I read before we went, which simply said, "An impressive pile of sand. That is all." That's accurate. But I'm down to be impressed by large piles of sand, so that's cool with me. If you're expecting to get up there and like, go bowling or be served a three course meal or really DO anything other than look at stuff and go "cool, man," then yeah, you're gonna be disappointed. But looking at stuff and saying "cool, man" is a hobby of mine, so I enjoyed it. 

Welcome, this is my dune. I can't say "dune" in anything other than a deep, creepy, drawn-out way more suitable to the word "doom." Duuuuuune.

More duuuuunes. Click to embiggen. Yeah, that's a word I've decided I like, get used to it.

     We also went putt-putt golfing, which I love because it combines overtly cheesy decor and whacking at stuff with sticks. I came in third (out of six people), so I won't complain. I totally would have won first place if I hadn't been practically incapacitated by the sunburn I mentioned in my last update, which is still searingly painful...

Ugh, look how tan Amanda's legs are back there. Not even fair.

     Just kidding, I never would have won (serious about the "incapacitated by sunburn" part. I struggled mightily to put on pants yesterday). I'm not actually very good at putt-putt, but I like it anyway. 

     And I finally managed to get a better picture of the dolphins! 

I was dead-set on getting a picture that was better than the Bigfoot-quality one I had before.

     They were particularly excited -- jumping out of the water and slapping their tails on the water! It made me want a dolphin friend. Not to keep, just like, to pet at an aquarium or something. 

     And that's all, folks! I'll be back at home by the end of today, barring any catastrophic traffic or weather events (I'm lookin' at you, Andrea. You keep your stormy ass away from here til we're gone). 

     Regular posting will resume Monday!

Beach Post #2!

     I'm back with the second update on what I've been doing on vacation! Unfortunately this update is a bit more...crispy. But we'll get to that.

     Monday was stormy and rainy. I didn't mind because I like storms to begin with; a beach storm is twice as nice! We spent much of the day working on jigsaw puzzles and playing board games.

 
     And we saw dolphins! They like to swim along the shore here, but unfortunately the slippery little devils are really hard to catch in pictures. But I tried anyway!

     Once the rain slowed a bit we ventured out to do a bit of shopping. 

      Somewhat difficult, because the rain had flooded...um, everything. At times it felt more like a boat ride than a drive, but we made it nonetheless.

     I didn't buy anything, but I got to pet the world's fluffiest dog, so I'll call it a success. Later we found a nearby restaurant for dinner. I ordered a coconut breaded chicken sandwich, which came with a pineapple sauce that made it amaaaazing. 

     The next day was considerably brighter, so we decided to park ourselves on the beach for the day. We built this monster of a sandcastle. 

      All of my input was based almost entirely on Game of Thrones logic. I mean, obviously back there is the Keep, and the courtyard where the sand people practice their archery skills, and we need a good strong moat to keep the Lannisters at bay. 

     Unfortunately I sat in the sun screaming "NO, IT'S FINE, YOU STEPPED ON MY MOAT, I CAN JUST DIG IT AGAIN" for too long and got a painful sunburn. 

     Yep, that embarrassingly abrupt line is where the hem of my shorts falls. Luckily, since the breeze on the beach kept it a bit chilly, I had a zip-up hoodie on, so my top half didn't get burned at all. So at least that's something to be grateful for as I slather my entire lower half in aloe every ten minutes and walk around all stiffly like a recently reanimated skeleton, lest I accidentally move some skin and ignite the burning pain of the sun's core on my flesh.

     Anyway, despite feeling like I've got two steamed hot dogs instead of legs, I'm still having a good time. It takes more than sizzled skin to stop me!

Beach Post #1!

     In case you missed the memo: I'm at the beach! Lest you think I'd run off and forgotten you, I decided I would keep you updated about what I've been up to. So here's the rundown:

     We spent much of the day in the car on Friday. We left at 11:00AM and drove for four hours. Amanda drove, Sophie helped with the navigation. 

Sophie also helped us glare at all the jackwagons who cut us off. Not so effective, her glare is adorable.

 

     I helped with the obnoxiously surfing through every station every ten seconds to find a good song. 

     We arrived an hour early, since we couldn't get into our rental house until 4:00PM, so we quested for food and scoped out the area while we waited. Then finally we were in! After swarming through the house to check everything out, we unpacked and headed out to the beach to have a look. And have spent practically all our time since either relaxing by the waves, picking up seashells...

Our freshly-built walkway and beautiful ocean view.

The full scope of things.

    

Just after sunset.

....Or lounging in the solar-heated pool. It hits the most perfect temperature imaginable around 3:00PM, where I just want to float there forever in perfect homeostasis. And with all this frolicking in the sun, I've already managed to get a light tan! By my standards, anyway, which admittedly, is still a shade of pale considered cause for admittance to the hospital by some people's standards. But tan lines are present and I haven't burned! I'll call that a win!

Don't you want to go swimming now?

      
     The pups are handling it pretty well. Sophie still has zero interest in getting in the ocean water -- I don't blame her, it's furrreeeezing! Good thing we've got that pool! -- but she doesn't seem afraid of it either. Lexie, on the other hand, doesn't know what to make of this "ocean" beast. 

     But they both like to dig around in the sand, chase the crabs, sniff the air for all it's exciting sea-smells, and of course, tromp through sand castles like Godzilla destroying the city.

     It's so relaxing to have an ocean breeze and the sound of waves coming in through every window. In fact, I even have a momentous announcement to make: I slept really well Saturday night. Yeah, you read that right. Me, Insomnia Queen, out like a light for eight glorious hours. I had put Clue on Netflix to lull me to sleep and was asleep before Professor Plum even got there. I hope I can really shatter all my best records and sleep soundly for two, three, nights in a row...maybe even all week! Dare to dream, right? Literally?